Not Anymore

January 26, 2012 § 2 Comments

I’ve forgotten just how long it has been. I couldn’t tell you what day you left or which year I stopped crying. I haven’t lain in bed or walked our old routes in who knows how long. I can say your name and I can remember your smile.

I remember without total regret. I can laugh without that bitter hurt. I can talk to others without looking back – without swearing hate over remorse. I can laugh at your habits and grin about your quirks. When someone asks, I can admit what went wrong and I can finally lay some blame at your door. I don’t notice when no one asks about you. I don’t quit the day when someone does.

I touch your things you left behind and your ghost stays with you. I’ve thrown out gifts I never had the chance to send to you. I haven’t bought more. There’s no more poetry and I don’t sing to your memory.

I stopped dialing your number and I don’t stare at your empty chat box. I no longer write emails and letters – I’ve deleted the drafts and burned the copies.

No one waits for my breakdown and no one waits for my sorrow. I’m free to just live and dream without you. I don’t write your character and I don’t sleep to dream. Not anymore. No.

The only thing I can’t do – let go.

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§ 2 Responses to Not Anymore

  • i know someone who loves someone like that. i didnt think it was real. you know. love like that. but it is.

    she doesnt talk about it now. she just lives with it being over but i dont think it will ever be over for her. its kind of sad to love some body so much you cant let go but you have to move on. i wouldnt ever want to feel that way.

    i think shes the strongest woman ive ever met for that. the most passionate. it takes some thing i dont think a lot of us have. at one point we have to let go or go crazy but she views it different. feels it different. i admire her and feel bad for her.

    i dont think i explained that right but hopefully its understood.

    great depiction of that feeling. i love your work, alina. write on!

    • Hello, Elon,

      What a lovely name.

      Your description was a little awkward to read, but I understood it well enough. 🙂

      I must say I admire your friend, as well. It does take a little extra strength to live in love alone without breaking or giving up. Whoever her heart belongs to is a very lucky, blessed individual to have such a rarity. I know many who would give their all for it.

      I would suggest time may bring them back together, but the history of humanity and love has proven different. I’ll hold out some hope for her heart and her future – just in case.

      Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate anyone who will take the time to read my work. I also appreciate feedback. If you come across any pieces that you feel you need to speak up about, please do so. Good or bad, it all helps move the machine forward. I’m always looking for ways to grow.

      Once more, thank you.

      Take care and be good to you.

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